Forever

Can I just lay here forever?
In this dirty after work state
With this grumbling stomach
Till I decay into the ground

At least the demons would no longer follow me around
At least their words would no longer hurt me
At least my intentions would not fall on deaf ears

I just want to lay here
Till the end of time

.

Love and Hate
Just a thin line separating the two
A little push
And you go to the other side

.

His words, like a knife straight to her heart
But he will never see her bleeding
For his focus was never on her

.

This deep sadness is a safe place
Or so it tells you

Tiny selfish heart

Maybe I'm too affected
Maybe I'm too sensitive
Maybe I'm just exhausted
Forever tired

.

Only in writings can I find refuge
Only in sleep can I find refuge
Only in refuge can I find you

.

Taking back little bits of my heart
Trying to piece them to where they were before
But gone like the words shouted into a tornado
I am never getting them back

.

"Why are you doing so?"
I don't want to pass them to people who aren't going to cherish them
I don't want to pass my happiness to others and get a stab in return
I want to hold my heart tighter and protect it even more
I want to built walls high up and be my own backup plan
"Are these too much to ask for?"

.

Thump
"Eh here"
A small tug
For a seconds as he continued speaking, her personal space was invaded
Thump thump

The thing

It says you're not enough
It says you're so pitiful
It says you're never going to ever be full again

It taunts
It scares
It injures

It also teaches
That you are on your own
That you are the only constant
That only you can save yourself
And that you have to be brave enough

I

I am Me
Scale mountains
The one who has a void in her heart since 20 months ago
Fly to the moon
The one who cannot feel happy for others
Trudge through snow
The one who wishes to cease her existence
Sail the seas
But wait
I am still Me
And I cannot run away from myself

For those days

For the days where you feel empty, listless or don't feel like your "usual" self.

Remind yourself that your happiness is decided by you. By the actions you make. By the things you choose to prioritise.
Don't let someone else ruin or make your day. Don't give them the benefit of controlling you, even when they don't realise that they are or can.

Ask yourself, What can I do to make myself feel better?
Eat? Sleep? Take a walk? Exercise?
Take care of your pets? Tidy your living area?
Write? Colour? Draw? Music?
Window shopping? Binge watch movies?

Let the day be for yourself to make you feel better. Do something that makes you feel satisfied. Tune to your senses and awareness. Feel fully and deeply. Be human.

Tell yourself, It's okay to be a little more self centered and enclosed in your own bubble. But only for this period of time.

"Just for now, I'll be better soon."

Timings

24 Nov 

1am plus


Sleep, the body calls out
No don't, the voice begs
You haven't thought about this
That
Those
And them

.

Sometimes the voice is louder than anything else
Louder than the calls of your tired body
Louder than your will to stay positive
Louder than the cries of your heart

.

The dark abyss is torturous
It is suffocating
It is deep
It is not always understood
It is not felt by everyone
But
It is also
Ironically
Safe

-

7pm plus


They are the standards of society
They fit the bill perfectly
Attractive
Intelligent
Polished
Fine tuned to perfection
They are the standards of society
They are not humans
They are robots

.

Tired
Close your eyes
Tired
Lay your body down
Tired
Clear your mind
Tired
Take your life


26 Nov 

12:40am

Perish now
Vanish now
Into smithereens
Into air

.

For once, I don't want to know
I don't want to know how your day was
I don't want to know if you've ate well
I don't want to know about your plans
I don't want to know what's worrying you
For every time, who am I lying to?

-

10:06pm


That feeling when you look back at past photos
When you see the people that have been in your life
Where you have been passersby to each other
Then you look at your recent photos
Wondering if you've changed
If you've helped the world even in a slightest bit
Wondering, This is my life huh
Looking at yourself as if from bird's eye view
"Is this how I want to live?"

.

Am I going to wait?
Or am I going to move on?

Is it worth it?
Or its worth is decide by me?

Wrong places

One world

Billions of people

Who will you meet?

Mum said that

the people you meet in this life

Family, friends, colleagues, even passersby

are those you've came across in your previous life

What were we in our former lives?

-

In the many moments of life,

there are actually many different possibilities

Often we're caught up in our minds

On one single thought one single method

Scared to move, afraid to try

When can we ever be ready?

What will be around the next bend,

We may be stronger that we think

-

I said that mundane is all I am

Average results in education, normal appearance and even the middle child

The very average, normal and middle amongst everything

She said what's bad about being normal?

-

I think about all the things

That I could have done

That I could have learnt

That I could be doing

That I could be learning

I could have stayed to hear your reply

I could have stayed to continue learning the clarinet

I could be learning about the the types of clouds in the sky

I could be learning how to drive

I could be trying to get an arborist certification

I could be getting myself a better camera

Why did I and why am still I stopping myself?

-

Some stuff I wrote while taking the train the past two days or so. Haven't written here or on my other blog for a while. The nagging and suffocating feeling is back