Y1S2

Hi hello so I decided to have an open reflection for this semester too. I realized that some pointers from last semester (this semester too) may apply to anyone in general and that's okay imo. This semester, I'm more used to the uni life in terms of timetable and that I'm indeed a broke student ($.$). Ohkay arbitrary segregation of incoherent thoughts as follow -

System-wise stuff

• Expectations of school and oneself
  I feel like I'm almost jaded of the education system in the sense that I'm aware that it that cannot change and sometimes it's almost like I don't want to fight it (aka chase for grades, for the sake of grades that are given based on fixed set of criteria). Of course there's peer pressure and one's expectations' of oneself so it's a challenging balance to maintain. I try to remind myself that there are more important stuff in life and to be involved in those stuff too. At the end of the day, I don't want to butcher myself for the sake of education, you know?
  
  
• Exemptions / Advance placement credits
  They may or may not apply or be beneficial to one so take note to understand how they work. I realize that my exemption from bridging biology module might not have been the best thing for higher level modules related to human bio which I have no background of at all (extra self study T.T)

Social stuff

• Loneliness, adult learners and more about "taking the road less travelled" as my friend calls it
  tbh in semester 1, I didn't mention that I looked up online to see what other people who entered university "later than normal" felt and I was like WOW relatable. It was also nice when one of my group members this semester who knows of another adult learner, told me that "she feels the same (loneliness) too". After which my group member wondered aloud "Why don't they have an adult learners group for people like you in school?". I appreciate the thought!
  
  In a way, our lives have diverged away from others who are similar in age as us, and we're not doing what most people our ages are doing. The content of our conversations we used to have changes, and sometimes it feels more relatable when I share about school stuff with classmates, than people I previously talk about work with. Which of course is natural, and for sure our relations with people run deeper than just school or work related topics. Maybe it's just a change that I didn't foresee to happen.
  
  Also sometimes I get the impression it slips people's minds that I'm on a student budget (more selective with my spendings) or that my closest friends are working adults (not following academic timetables). Hm it's not a big deal but something else unexpected to experience?

Personal stuff

• Discipline
  Have definitely been less disciplined this semester, might be a combination of my level of interest in the compulsory modules and the method of assessment (mostly tests/exams than continuous assessment/projects), and me having a bit more of a life out of academics compared to previous semester. All in all, my grades might plunge but my mental health (not involving academics) is better. Tradeoffs, that's all that I can say for now.
  
  Though for sure I realize that I'm more focused in school and public libraries, and if I happen to be with a study buddy. Less fidgety, less distracted. I also hope to sleep and wake up at more consistent timings, something that I can adjust over the coming break
  
  

• Independence
  Small note that as someone who bids for modules on my own, it's nice to see familiar and meet new faces who pull me into discussions about the challenging parts of our modules. Maybe I don't need to only rely on myself after all
  
  As for bidding mods on my own, it's not so much that I'm avoidant of people but that I don't quite "need" to get into the same classes with people that I come to know of. We have varying mods and hence timetables. But maybe in higher mods when I meet people who have more similar interests, it may happen. For now I'm alright. I think that independence is definitely my double-edge sword since my working days
  
  

• Ability to math
  Another small note, can I just say that my brain cannot math all along and that it doesn't help that I'm so resistant to math-ing now, when it's probably me mentally hindering myself. Self-fulfilling prophecy? The last time I had to math seriously was too long ago
  
  

• Identity and self-doubt
  Sometimes I zoom out and it almost feels like my work life never happened and then I go how did I manage to get into uni (not that a university education guarantees anything)... but yeahhh a thought that comes and goes, something for me to chew on my own.
  Also thoughts like: How does school content relate to work? Will my work experience still be relevant after graduation?
  Random point but the screen time of a uni student compared to during my previous job is no joke
  
  

• Higher level modules
  tbh I'm waiting for the higher level modules which cover content that I choose to learn about, they're probably increasingly challenging but should be more relatable to what I want to get out of school. Also I probably shouldn't take only compulsory modules in a single semester, that's what I unintentionally did and it feels like a bummer somehow HAHAH

Well that's that. If I had to attempt,

• tldr would be: Pick your battles, maintain your sanity in university.

I suppose it applies to life in general too. This has been a more personal entry compared to Y1S1's? Anyway till next time,

Y1S1

    So, I decided to make an open reflection about a question that my friend presented to me in end September this year. The question was "Would you recommend others considering the same route?", with reference to me pursuing further studies (degree) at 26 years old. That was mid-way through Y1S1 where I jotted some personal pointers in my phone, it mightttt be a little more indicative now that the semester is over. Though my thoughts now may change over the next few years? Personally, I've no issue with that.

    Disclaimer: I'm not a long-term planning type of person, at least not really the "I must do xx by xx" type. I might have pressured myself in the past to think about what I'll be doing so and so years down the road in the past, but that kind of mindset makes me freeze up and that isn't quite helpful so why do that? Also, what we study academically doesn't always dictate what we'll be doing as a job/in future. Though at this day and from what I know, I think that it does matter to a certain extent based on the type of job, employer, etc.

    Ohkay, let's pardon my English proficiency (because I doubt that I'll want to proofread this, just like how I rarely return to my previous digital/paper entries) and just get to it. The long answer which consists of things that could be helpful to consider/ you may experience -

• Education vs Learning

    After working for a few years, it became apparent that education vs learning are different activities. I refer to education as formal education/recognized certification which most of us go through, while learning could be education with innate/developed curiosity, or something done informally out of the education system. 

    Hm my main point is that it helps me to have slightly different concepts in mind, especially when I felt stressed out about school. It helped managed my expectations of the education system and reminds me of my intentions for further studying. I'm pretty sure these two concepts could exist at the same time; hope you get what I mean.

• Intentions, Tradeoffs

    Ah the "Why" question, why further study at all? I can't answer that for you, but my personal answer has proven helpful to me so far. I'm thinking that this question will be brought up multiple times to myself, down this journey during the tough times.

    idk but it helps to consider the pros and cons of having a degree qualification. It could be something helpful or something not valuable to you at this point in time. It might mean everything to you to have one, or nothing to you even if you don't have it. No one else can quite convince you otherwise at the end of the day.

    I'll suggest considering the benefits and limitations (tradeoffs) of a degree qualification vs your current work, your commitments at this stage of life, family support if applicable and finances/financial assistance. If possible, apply though method(s) that consider your working experience as relevant.

• Time management, Soft skills

    A major difference between work and school for me, was how my past jobs were fixed within working hours, while tuning back to school (university at least) after 5.5 years was disorientating as schoolwork has no fixed hours.

    Time to commit to school is essentially decided by us - the timetable, the modules, whether you want to attend physical lectures, whether you work mainly during the day/night/evening, virtual group meetings could be at 9pm or even later, etc. You are answerable to your own learning journey.

    And so, it brings me to highlight some soft skills that are probably helpful/transferrable from other aspects in life, apart from time management - independence, taking things with a pinch of salt, ability to prioritize and reprioritize work.

• Relations

    tbh from what I've experienced so far, it helps to know/ get to know people who are already in the education system you're interested in or been through it recently as they can share recent tips with you. Be it seniors from the same major or not, alumni through mentorship programs, etc.

    Also due to the nature of each semester being around 4 months long, it may be challenging to make friends who stick through with you throughout the years, unless you manage to take the same modules together. Students usually know each another from their tertiary studies and enter university together, or form groups during orientation camps, or from clubs. Though the general impression that I personally get and consensus I hear, from other majors, is the same. It'll be interesting to see how things go/change throughout the years.

    Though at the end of the day, consider your intentions for further studying/ what you personally want to get out of school life?

• About "taking the road less travelled" as my friend calls it

    Yes, you might be older in terms of age, does that matter? Personally, I'm quite aware of my age difference (youngest students are around 19 years old) though I think it really depends on the individuals that I'm benchmarking myself against. And whether it is about general maturity, energy level, competitiveness, etc. 

    I'll say that I might not have spoken up as much during tutorials if I attended university earlier. And that sometimes I find myself eating imaginary popcorn along the sidelines, watching whatever's happening while they are hyped up.

    People don't usually ask for ages though there are situations whereby lecturers/ professors/ teaching assistants reference to age casually. And situations where we've to say which year we are in when we meet new people. Honestly if the question is whether I am treated differently, I don't think so, so far. And I don't see myself as more capable just because I'm older?

    On the side, a question that I got a few times, "Do you prefer working or studying so far?". Working, definitely working. Well it might change, I shall see HAHAHA

        

• TDLR; Why not? Think about intentions, research about the graduation requirements, trust your gut feeling, apply for it, destroy the perfect image that you had in mind and what come may. My fingers are crossed for you.

    tbvh I didn't expect to get the opportunity to further studies and I'm definitely fortunate to be able to do so. Though my thoughts are subjective to this point in time - if the above sharing resonates with you, feel free to reach out if you've any thoughts/ experiences/ questions. I'm also curious if there are other formal education "adult" learners here (o.O)

    Till next time,

An episode of self doubt

Lack of control
A whirlwind in my mind

Of what ifs and what nots

Of am I worthy of the chance

Of this too shall pass

Loser

If the giver is the loser
then I will keep it all to myself

Dismissed

The specifics that matter

It is not the ever present annoyance
It is the blistering temptation of violence
reigned in by the smudge of leftover restraint

It is not the "aiya they emo as usual"
It is the heart wrenching, throat constricting, dry eyes type of distress

Yes
These are the dismissed specifics

Preach

When the words you need to hear
Are the words you preached to others

Unfortunately
You're never getting them returned to you

Tiny

Voices gnawing at the corner of my mind
Whispering words of inadequacy
Quietly pleading for validation

#wherestheselfaffirmation