One eight

Just when I thought that

I am numb beyond expressing my true feelings

Tears fell from my face

Because I told myself that tears and explanations will not change any issue

-

One is not entitled

To feel sadness or regret

For something that

One did not chase after

Right?

-

Tied down by the fear

Of change and failure

When will my shackles release me?

I am tired of how I am treating myself

Where

I find myself here and everywhere
Thinking about the possible answers
But never really obtaining conclusions
To all these Whys in my head
Overly chaotic to organise

In situations where I'm asked for opinions by others
They clear like the sky
After a thunderous downpour
Lining up like soldiers
Upon command

Internally within myself
They turn into mush
At other times into fireworks that blast
Within the confines of my brain
Clouding and smouldering my clarity

Temperature

It will be good, you said
That was when I knew that
It is impossible
From the very start, it has been
I just never knew
Of the underlying criteria

-

Did it hurt?
Yes, it physically did
Even more so
For the throbbing of my heart

Five days

Five days till twenty-one
How has it been like?

Pre-school
A small disagreement in class

Primary school
A fall in the courtyard
A prefect tie and badge

Secondary school
A consistent record of skipping CCA
An unanswered question
A change in perspectives

Polytechnic
A different system
A load of laughter
An agonising period of time
A family that I know is as forever as can be

Almost adulting
A full time job
An ability to spend
A supportive team
A hobby that saves
A bunch of friends who are my constants

But still something is missing

You

Scribbles

-

Today I indulge in self-pity as I think about Dad and the many people I miss...

-

That day our conversation was cut off by a phone call, and I'll probably never know what you were about to say

-

Fingertips against fingertips

Graze, trace, connection

Palm against palm

Loosen, press, assurance

Skin against skin

"Hold on tight"

-

Together we can contemplate 

about the ephemeral state of life and 

the topic of tattoo-ing wedding bands

Negative

I am not afraid of the negative thoughts
Not afraid of the demons that seep out through my pores
Not afraid of causing people to shun me because of myself
But 
I am afraid of the helplessness
Of the What next?
Of the So what to do about this?
Of the aftermath of each breakdown

Badum

Warmth from a graze of fingers
Chills from a glimpse of skin

All is temporary
So are these feelings