Five days

Five days till twenty-one
How has it been like?

Pre-school
A small disagreement in class

Primary school
A fall in the courtyard
A prefect tie and badge

Secondary school
A consistent record of skipping CCA
An unanswered question
A change in perspectives

Polytechnic
A different system
A load of laughter
An agonising period of time
A family that I know is as forever as can be

Almost adulting
A full time job
An ability to spend
A supportive team
A hobby that saves
A bunch of friends who are my constants

But still something is missing

You

Scribbles

-

Today I indulge in self-pity as I think about Dad and the many people I miss...

-

That day our conversation was cut off by a phone call, and I'll probably never know what you were about to say

-

Fingertips against fingertips

Graze, trace, connection

Palm against palm

Loosen, press, assurance

Skin against skin

"Hold on tight"

-

Together we can contemplate 

about the ephemeral state of life and 

the topic of tattoo-ing wedding bands

Negative

I am not afraid of the negative thoughts
Not afraid of the demons that seep out through my pores
Not afraid of causing people to shun me because of myself
But 
I am afraid of the helplessness
Of the What next?
Of the So what to do about this?
Of the aftermath of each breakdown

Badum

Warmth from a graze of fingers
Chills from a glimpse of skin

All is temporary
So are these feelings

Waiting

Waiting, waiting and waiting
For something to happen

Craving for adventure but stuck in situ
Head in the clouds
Filled with ideas, imaginary scenarios and What-ifs
Body grounded but never really present

The state of being alive does not equal to living Life
Never one to act on impulse
When will I be truly free

.

Jumbled words without linkage though I hope that you get what I mean or can relate to it?

Embedded in you

You'll realise that the more you try to run away from your monsters,
the faster they'll zone in and leach onto you. Eating away at the corner of your soul,
never letting go.
Peeping at you from behind the corner as you look back,
thinking that you've lost them with your persistence.
But no, they'll never leave.
For they have been embedded in you all along

Lost pieces

But it would mean that one will have to cherish pieces of other people's hearts before being able to say such words

Expectations ruin everyone,

not just yourself or others

.

If we could talk openly without judgements

That you are you

That I am I

That we understand about not understanding

If, we could

.

Humans are lonely creatures wandering on Planet Earth

Looking for bonds with people

To fill their empty hearts

Looking for a specific person

To share their lives with

Betting their hearts out that

What they'll find is a friend or supporter

Not a saviour that they must rely on

In order to survive

.

Humans are living things that love self-pitying?

Though this is kinda debatable. Hmmm

.

I'm okay with connecting with my negative side, only because I know that I've not reached the deepest end

It's also my most reflective time as I question why I'm feeling and thinking in such ways. Even if I fall even deeper into it, it's one step closer to understanding myself as a person

Also that times I think that I understand why people choose drugs, smoking, gambling, self harm and all that

To feel alive? To try to escape from an air-tight room of negativity? To feel that there's more to live than monotonous and repetitive lifestyle?

A penny for anyone's perspective on this please